If He Were Alive Today - James Henry Hammond

  James Henry Hammond was the Governor of South Carolina, a U.S. Senator and is probably most well-known for coining the phrase, "Cotton is King". He was also an egotistical, misogynistic jerk face and was, pretty much, a miserable excuse for a human being. However, being an awful person didn't keep him from becoming a powerful political figure, having a school named after him or stop his home, Redcliffe Plantation, from becoming a State Park. In fact, it still holds true today that no matter what kind of ridiculous blowhard you might be, you can still be very rich and have the support of other like minded people. When you think about it, things haven't changed all that much and that made me wonder what old James Henry Hammond might be like if he were alive today.


Curious? Explore the possibilities with me after the cut!

You might be thinking, "Surely, he can't be that bad!". Well, just click play below and let “Sh*t James Henry Hammond Said” enlighten you.

  See what I was talking about? Miserable. Excuse. For. A. Human. Being. I can barely manage reading 10 pages of his diary before feeling like I need to shower.




HERE through GoogleBooks.

**** In 1839 Hammond purchased a seamstress, Sally, and her one year old daughter, Louisa. Hammond had a sexual relationship with Sally for several years before taking an interest in Louisa, when she was only 12 years old. He had children by both of them. See what I mean about wanting to take a shower after reading about this guy?!

James Henry Hammond

  Anyway, in order to determine what Hammond might be doing if he were alive today I think it would helpful to know a few more things about him. Hammond's father, Elisha, was a school teacher who took every opportunity to lecture his son on how best to do, well, everything. Hammond graduated from South Carolina College where he studied with the sons of some of the state's most influential families. Hammond, however, was not part of this circle and his diary is full of sharply worded insults towards members of the social and political elite. Underneath all the bluster, however, it is obvious he was nothing more than a little boy who desperately wanted to be a part of the ‘in crowd’. It really wasn't until he married Catherine Fitzsimmons that his fortunes changed permanently. Only 15 when she first met Hammond, ‘homely’ Catherine was completely taken in by Hammond’s charm and attention.* Her family was dead set against the match, believing Hammond was simply after Catherine’s money (they were totally right, btw) but she eventually wore them down and the two were married in 1831. Catherine's sister, Ann, was married to Wade Hampton II from one of the wealthiest planter families in the south. With his marriage into a good family and Catherine's dowry (which included a plantation in Beech Island, SC) Hammond finally made it into the popular group.



Redcliffe Plantation

  He spent the next few years turning his new property into a profitable plantation before he was elected to the U.S. House of Representatives in 1835.** Hammond quickly made a name for himself as a staunch defender of slavery by fighting against petitions to abolish the institution in Washington, DC. Despite his success as a legislator, illness forced him to resign his seat in the House and return to South Carolina. He went on to build an impressive home in Columbia, which he later wrote in his diary “set the example” for other fines homes in the area. He used this new home to wine-and-dine powerful political players in South Carolina in the hope of being appointed Governor. Hammond was eventually successful and won the Governorship in 1842. A terrible scandal involving Hammond and his underage nieces (the daughters of Wade Hampton II) forced him into social and political exile at his Beech Island plantation.*** Later, his wife left him after discovering Hammond's sexual relationship with one of his slaves, but she came back after Hammond sent the girl away.**** He returned to political life in 1857, after being elected to the U.S. Senate. Although he was not initially in favor of secession, Hammond resigned his senate seat in 1860 and supported the Confederacy. He died at Redcliffe Plantation in 1864.

  Knowing all that about Hammond, what might the man be up to today? Let's think: he was both insecure and egotistical, he had a way with insults and the ability to make effective (if abhorrent) arguments and although he worked tirelessly to gain immense political power, he basically threw it all away because he couldn't keep it in his pants. So . . .


If Hammond Were Alive Today -

  He would, hopefully, be IN JAIL for what he did to his nieces (not to mention his slave, Louisa). However, it is often the case that those in positions of power manage to escape justice so, as an alternative, I offer the following updated biography:

  After being elected to national office at the astoundingly early age of 28, James Henry Hammond seemed destined for political greatness until a series of inappropriate photos Hammond sent to his young female interns were leaked to the press. The ensuing scandal resulted in his resignation and an acrimonious divorce from his wife. He remained out of the public eye for several years before being offered his own talk show on a national news network. Thanks to his talent for catchy insults and his constant on camera mood swings and meltdowns, The Hammond Hour was a huge success. Subsequently, he also hosted a daily radio show, wrote an advice column on “10 Rules for Dating Homely Rich Girls”, and authored a popular ‘history’ book: How the South Actually Won the Civil War: And Why the Liberal Media Wants You to Believe Differently.

  At the peak of Hammond’s popularity he was, again, accused of sexual misconduct and advertisers pulled their support from his television and radio shows, which were quickly cancelled. Once again retreating from public life, Hammond died alone at the age of 57.



Author's Note: C’mon, you know that is exactly what would’ve happened if Hammond had been born in the 20^th century! It is seriously depressing. And after all the hideous research I had to do for this article I am going to go have a shower - and drink a bottle of wine.



* Quite a few sources refer to Catherine as ‘homely’ or ‘plain’, although I’m not sure what her level of attractiveness had to do with her marriage to Hammond. He didn’t care if she was pretty or not as long as she came with a large dowry (which she did).

** Improvements to Hammond’s plantation were made on the backs of his slaves, who died in large numbers during this time period thanks to poor working conditions.

*** If you can stomach it, you can read Hammond’s defense of his actions starting on page 174 of his diary, available